Four Times Kanye West Was A Douche (On Record)

So much ink has been spent discussing Kanye West and what an asshole he is. It seems like no matter where you turn there’s another interview with Kanye West saying the something douchy or generally acting like a complete and total asshole. There was his feud with Jimmy Kimmel, which proved that Kanye West doesn’t understand comedy; there was the BBC interview that sparked the feud with Jimmy Kimmel (which also, in its own way, proved that Kanye West doesn’t understand comedy); there was the time he insisted that he wouldn’t play his next song at a concert until everyone in the room was standing up, including that guy in the back (who just so happened to be in a wheelchair); and I’m not even gonna touch his abhorrent behavior during last weekend’s Grammy awards.

What’s weird, though, is that every time Kanye West acts like a total dick, everyone acts all surprised about it. It really shouldn’t be a shock at this point. Kanye West is such an asshole that I predict that in the future the word “asshole” will be replaced with “Kanye West.” You don’t even have to be a part of the media cycle to notice this either. Even if you’re not watching the news, scanning for Kanye’s name, his assholery is more than apparent, right in his music…

“I Am A God”

Oh, Kanye. In the argument over whether or not you’re an asshole, this song is the thesis statement for the “definitely a total dick” position. Musically speaking, you seem to think that your minimalist production speaks for itself in terms of sheer brilliance. You pound the bass hard as though you’re the first person on earth to discover the beauty of an 808. Spoiler alert: you’re not. As if your—literally—holier than thou attitude wasn’t bad enough, we’re forced to endure narcissistic musings such as “I am a God, hurry up with my damn massage. In a French ass restaurant, hurry up with my damn croissants.” Here’s a pro-tip for you Kanye: As a former waiter, I can tell you that service industry folks are a spiteful and petty breed. “Hurry up with my damn croissants” is just about the quickest way to ensure your croissants take at least 45 seconds longer to come out than they need to. Also, we used to have a word for guests like you. “Asshole.” As if that all wasn’t bad enough, am I supposed to be impressed with the fact that you just talked to Jesus? Furthermore, you talked to Jesus and the only thing you had to say was that you’re stacking millions? If you have a direct line to God and the all you can talk about is how fucking rich you are then you’re a total douche. That’s a fact.

“Get em High”

He straight up admits he’s an asshole on this one. So hey, at least there’s that. I guess there’s something to be said about having enough self-awareness to know your shortcomings. I’ll give you that one, Ye. But calling yourself an asshole isn’t the only instance of you being an asshole on this track. For starters, there’s using your friends as a way to pick up girls. Even Talib Kweli laments this fact on his verse; you can almost hear the exasperation in his voice, as though he’s embarrassed that, for all the reasons in the world one might have for touting their affiliation with Kweli, you did it for mere sex. Then there’s the fact that all you can do on this track is talk about yourself and sex. If there is a conversational indicator that showed when the person with whom you’re speaking is an asshole, talking about yourself and sex would be high up there, you dick.

808’s and Heartbreak in its entirety

If there was moment you could pinpoint as the exact moment that Kanye West managed to crawl up in his own asshole, it would be the moment this album was dropped on the world. His aforementioned obsession with the 808 began here. Normally I wouldn’t be so quick to hate on the 808 but in Kanye’s hands it feels more like an instrument of self-indulgence than anything else. The record plods along with simplistic beat after simplistic beat, disguised as an attempt at making an artistic statement. Of course, in Kanye’s heavy hand, the only artistic statement he’s capable of making is “man, Kanye West is amazing.” Even songs that touch on darkness—and they’re here; this is, after all, the record he released following his mother’s death—do so in the most asinine, self-centered way possible. As if I’m supposed to feel bad for Kanye West because he’s Kanye West? Dude, you’re not exhausted, as you claim on “Amazing.” You know who’s exhausted? The single mother who just worked 18 hours over three jobs and is on the bus ride back home to make a late dinner for her kids. Your poor little rich boy act on this record doesn’t fool me, Ye. Your darkness, your pain, your suffering…I’m sure they feel pretty heavy to you. But to the rest of us it just comes across as the childish whining of an asshole.

“Barry Bonds”

“Here’s another hit, Barry Bonds” Kanye raps in what might be the most simplistic hook ever devised. There’s a kind of flippancy to his words on this track, almost as if to state “I don’t even need to fucking try, so I’m not gonna.” This entire song feels like Kanye West smoked a big fat bowl of Kanye West and then did a few lines of Kanye West in order to pre-game for the Kanye West party being thrown at Kanye West’s house. “I’m doing pretty good as far as geniuses go,” he raps later. Hate to break it to you, but calling yourself a genius is the intellectual equivalent of calling yourself cool. If you have to declare it from the mountaintop, then it’s not readily apparent. If it’s not readily apparent, then you’re not.