What’s Next? The Amy Winehouse Free Fall?

The familiar winds of nostalgia are blowing toward Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Baby boomers and hip, young parents can take the family to the Hard Rock Park, the world’s first rock and/or roll theme park scheduled to open next May. The main attraction? Led Zeppelin: The Ride. I’m nauseous already.

ZepRide

The New York Times reports the park will also feature a “Midnight Rider,” dedicated to Southern rock, and a “Pinball Wizard” arcade. Clever girls! But what else would you like to see in this trite amusement park?

We think there’s gotta be some room for a Guns ‘N Roses Chinese Democracy Ride, which is just a never ending line that leads nowhere. All teenage girls entering the park will be given free access to the Akon Dry Humper. Early reviews of the exciting new Aerosmith ride all say it goes on way too long and “really sucks balls” towards the end. The Neil Young Crazy Horse probably costs twice as much as the other rides. And there’s no word on whether the park will wait 30 years and re-name the Led Zeppelin ride “Wolfmother: The Ride.”

Related Content

7 Responses

  1. Visit The Jerry Lee Lewis Family Chapel. Get 30% off any marriage service when you can prove your related.

    La Bamba your way to Buddy Holly’s Big Bopper plane adventure to get a bird’s eye view of the theme park. Not to be confused with our Lynyrd Skynyrd pyrotechnics show.

  2. The physical trauma of the James Brown Smack Dat Bitch Up Experience pales in comparison to the emotional disaster that is the Emo Playhouse, which if I understand it right, is just a dark room where everyone feels sorry for themselves despite fairly privileged upbringings — no scissors allowed.

  3. How bout the Trey Anistasio ride? It’s a go kart track where everyone gets bottles of prescription drugs prescribed to someone else before driving.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Recent Posts

New to Glide

Keep up-to-date with Glide

Twitter