What’s Next? The Amy Winehouse Free Fall?

The familiar winds of nostalgia are blowing toward Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Baby boomers and hip, young parents can take the family to the Hard Rock Park, the world’s first rock and/or roll theme park scheduled to open next May. The main attraction? Led Zeppelin: The Ride. I’m nauseous already.

The New York Times reports the park will also feature a “Midnight Rider,” dedicated to Southern rock, and a “Pinball Wizard” arcade. Clever girls! But what else would you like to see in this trite amusement park?

We think there’s gotta be some room for a Guns ‘N Roses Chinese Democracy Ride, which is just a never ending line that leads nowhere. All teenage girls entering the park will be given free access to the Akon Dry Humper. Early reviews of the exciting new Aerosmith ride all say it goes on way too long and “really sucks balls” towards the end. The Neil Young Crazy Horse probably costs twice as much as the other rides. And there’s no word on whether the park will wait 30 years and re-name the Led Zeppelin ride “Wolfmother: The Ride.”