The MySpace Bulletins: They’ve…Gone Too Far

I don’t keep a personal MySpace page, my love of malleable 15-year-olds notwithstanding. So it came as quite a shock to me when we set up the Hidden Track profile just how often the dear friends in our extended network wanted to inform us about every last fucking detail of their lives and careers. I understand the purpose of this bulletin system, and I’m cool with it, shit, I’m cool. But we’re now bordering on the kind of rampant abuse that only Joe Jackson could endorse.

Oh really, Perry Farrell, you have a HUGE video and photo update…for the third time this week? Congrats, Mr. Franti, that video you so urgently requested I watch actually changed my life. That is great news, Robert Randolph, be proud your latest song gets 30 seconds of airtime in The Rock’s shitty new Disney schmaltz! Let me buy you all a pack of gum and I’ll show you how to chew it. That place marked “Bulletins” just stinks of musician farts.

We received three bulletins today from Apollo Sunshine, a band we genuinely adore. But good lord, gentlemen, do I really need three messages in a 16-hour stretch when one contains tourdates I already knew and the other two are about a show in BOSTON!!! TONIGHT!!! Fellas, I don’t live in Boston. But say hello to Fenway and tell ’em the Yankees are coming. Actually, hold up, I’ll send you a bulletin with the exact wording of my message. And then I’ll send one about how many solid dumps my brother’s dog took today (the answer is zero — she hasn’t had solid stool since, like, the late ’70s).

I like the aforementioned Randolph, I do. But now I love him, and it’s a boner-inducing night knowing that he’s secured a brief spot in a crappy movie. Oxygen takes a backseat to this missive: “Check out Robert Randolph & the Family Band’s ‘Ain’t Nothing Wrong With That’ featured in Disney’s The Game Plan now in theatres.” So let’s watch greatness:

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That was awesome. Call the Grammy peeps, call the Oscar peeps…shit, get me the Rick Rubin on the phone. It’s Gospel Rock, it’s The Rock, it’s perfect. Thanks for sharing, guys. Now I can die in peace.