Overdosing on Halloween Eye-Candy

Ben Harper w/Donovan Frankenreiter
The Gusman Center Miami FL
Now, at first this show looks like a low potential event. I mean, Ben Harper surely rips and all, but the singer-songwriter opener in Donovan Frankenreiter concerns me a little. Kind of a strange choice, and normally it might draw a lot of sensitive-barista types. But this show’s potential is significantly increased by the simply fact that it’s in Miami. In all honesty, this show could be Ben Stein w/ Al Franken opening, and if it’s in Miami, I’d still give it higher grades.
Eye-candy Potential: B+

Ryan Adams
Hammerstein Ballroom NYC, NY
Fuck it. He’ll probably walk off stage early because the lights are too dim, or his shoe-laces aren’t tight enough or some lame-ass shit like that. You’re better off heading over to the Phil Lesh show at the Nokia. At least with Deadheads, you’re guaranteed to see some costumes even if it ISN’T Halloween.
Eye-candy Potential: C-

Sammy Hagar
Morris Performing Arts Center South Bend, IN
Here’s a tough one to call. My first thought is that this show has potential. I saw Van Halen about 12 years ago with the Red Rocker, and it certainly drew an attractive female crowd — but that was 12 years ago! The South Bend location is a little misleading as well…honestly, how many college kids these days really give a fuck about Van Halen, let alone Sammy Hagar solo?! This show could be a serious risk. You’ll be better off finding a party on Notre Dame campus.
Eye-candy Potential: C

The B52’s w/The Rapture
Roseland Ballroom NYC, NY
I think this show could be a real winner. First of all, it’s New York City, and NYC on Halloween with a kitschy party band like the B52’s? This sounds like the recipe for beautiful girls in skimpy Tinker Bell outfits. Low risk, high potential, love shack baby. Love shack, shimmy.
Eye-candy Potential: A-

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Widespread Panic
Asheville Civic Center Asheville NC
Here’s another real winner. Spreadheads know how to have a good time, and every WSP show I’ve ever been to has been flush with beautiful women with sweet Southern accents. Extra points for the AsheVegas locale…
Eye-candy Potential: A+

Maroon 5 w/The Hives
Energy Solutions Arena Salt Lake City UT
I’m pretty sure Maroon 5 is well-liked by a lot of good looking women out there. I mean, I can’t imagine anyone but chicks being into this band. The Hives I don’t know much about. I think they’re an all-girl band from Sweden? Doesn’t that chick Pete Wentz sing for them? Anyway, if you’re in Utah, you’re pretty much screwed anyway. I can’t imagine a lot of Mormon girls wearing ‘sexy Mrs. Brigham Young’ costumes around the joint. I think your best bet would be to drive the six hours to Las Vegas. Then stay there.
Eye-candy Potential: D

Umphrey’s McGee w/Kinetix
The Fillmore Auditorium Denver CO
UM is sure to be a great show musically, but you may have a hard time finding the girl in the audience.
Eye-candy Potential: D-

The Duo w/American Babies
The Independent San Fransisco CA
Another sure-fire good time musically, but this show has actually got some potential for the eyes as well as the ears. Chicks dig red-headed Italians, apparently, and San Francisco conjures images of Acid Tests and days of Fillmore’s past…I’d say strong to medium strong portfolio
Eye-candy Potential: B+

Well, there you have it. I apologize if I slightly offended some of you with my misogynistic, brutish attempt at Halloween humor — I had fully intended to completely offend all of you. I will just have to try harder next time…