The B List: Top 10 Fictitious Music Venues

9. Sharky’s – California Dreams

Sharky’s is the place to be if you are 14, Californian, and a surf dude with attitude. Sharky’s was the after school venue where the Dreams held their residency for about five years before Sly got hooked on Oxycontin and Kelly start doing softcore. Still, it was a great venue with lots of pieces of flair and some pretty good looking girls. Plus, that black dude played some mean drums. The main reason Sharky’s didn’t make it higher on the list is because they don’t sell beer. If Jones Beach has taught us anything it’s that nobody wants to see a live band with no beer.

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8. Gasworks – Wayne’s World

Take it from Wayne: “This is the Gasworks, an excellent heavy metal bar. It’s always a babefest and they got a pool table, too.” A night at Gasworks will open your eyes and ears to upcoming metal acts like the Shitty Beatles, Jolly Green Giants, and Crucial Taunt – who allegedly wail. The best part about Gasworks is that you might meet an attractive music loving, big-breasted, bass player like Cassandra who will hang out with guys like Wayne and Garth. And if I remember correctly, they also have cage dancing and pyrotechnics, which are never bad things. Just be careful for those slimy business-minded douche bags from the majors slithering around trying to snatch up the young talent.

7. Empire Records Store – Empire Records

Empire Records is not only a great place to load up on new albums, but they bring in sweet in-store promotions like Rex Manning Day and don’t really care if you steal shit. In fact, they have been known to employ former violators of the five-finger discount. Everybody who hangs out at Empire Records is cool and good looking, and they don’t support corporate bullshit. Finally, the good folks at Empire Records know how to throw a good inspirational party with bands playing on the roof. While that sounds fun, we knocked Empire down a few slots because shows on store roofs never have very good sound.

6. Star Wars Cantina – Star Wars

Despite the inconvenient location, the Star Wars Cantina is a great place to catch some smooth jazz as performed by some kick ass Martians on what appear to be some innovative woodwind instruments. The house band, Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes, actually used to perform private shows for Jaba the Hut, so you know you’re getting some top-notch interstellar disco on any given night.

5. Aloha Street – Singles

The venue on Aloha Street itself isn’t really the big draw, but their regularly appearing band, Citizen Dick, is one that might pique your interest. While the lead singer, Shirtless Cliff, is a giant tool, the rest of the band consists of some pretty good Seattle musicians by the names of Eddie Vedder, Jeff Ament and Stone Gossard. We’re pretty sure Citizen Dick would have been signed on Sub Pop by now if they would have just ditched the crappy lead singer, but really, what is a band if it ain’t loyal?

4. The Peach Pit After Dark – Beverly Hills 90210

What more could you want from a music venue than one that operates right next door to a killer diner with great pie and free sage-like wisdom courtesy of Nat Busichio. The one question mark that remains is if the Peach Pit is a 24 hour diner? I think the 90210 gang never stayed up past 10:30, so we’re not really sure if you can get some post-show chili fries and hot turkey sandwiches. While the After Dark may be full of Shooter McGavin wannabes like Brandon Walsh and Steve Sanders, you still have McKay and Valerie behind the scenes bringing in some quality material like the Flaming Lips (with a steaming rendition of Vaseline), the Barenaked Ladies, the Blind Boys of Alabama, and of course, the one and only Ray Pruitt.

3. The Dew Drop Inn – One Crazy Summer

While her music pretty much sucks, you can catch a performance of the up and coming heady singing sensation, Cassandra, while dancing with Hoops and Bobcat Goldthwait at this Nantucket venue with the wildly creative name. The one big downer about this hoppin’ beach side hotspot is that bastard Beckerstead is probably going to show up with a bunch of his yuppie dick friends and start shit.

2. The Bait Shop – The OC

While you’d be only human to assume that this hip juice bar (no beer again?) would draw in some horrible music; do not underestimate the OC. The Bait Shop has seen it fair share some pretty excellent acts, like Bright Eyes, Modest Mouse, The Killers, Death Cab for Cutie, and Spoon. Just be careful if you’re protective of your undiscovered gems, because if they get a gig at the Bait Shop, it’s straight to the big time. Anybody who’s anybody is at the Bait Shop, and it’s straight to superstardom after a headline here.

1. Will Gaines’ Joint – Rush

Hanging out at this gritty Texas bar, you get to kick it with Gregg Allman, listen to some hot blues licks as the live band tears through a Wang Dang Doodle, and there are tons of good drugs floating around. Plus, Max Perlich is usually on hand, which is always a big plus if you’re looking for a fun night. Just watch your back if you plan to party hard at Gaines’ joint; there are rumors going around that the dude with the beard who buys all the grass is working with the fuzz.

What’s your favorite fictitious music venue?