‘Independence Day: Resurgence’ Is As Bad As You Expected (FILM REVIEW)

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The 19-years-too-late opening of Independence Day: Resurgence was met with the collective sigh of a begrudging public, and holy shit. Between the poor CGI, the barely written stock characters, the lesser Hemsworth brother, the one liners, and the guarantee of a third installment of the battle for earth, there’s sadly no chance the public won’t at least throw their money at a few hours of a dark, air conditioned theater for the sake of entertainment.

It’s been 20 years since humanity has won the battle for Earth. Because of the invasion, technology has taken a far leap ahead of what the world would have been able to accomplish on its own. We’re assured early on by a voice over by the president (who is a lady, because progress) that humanity laid their weapons down after the attack. There is peace among everyone. So, upside right? Bill Pullman is crazy AF though, because aliens, and his daughter is now the President’s speech writer. She used to be a pilot in the Airforce, but quit to make sure Pullman was taking his meds. Judging by his nightmares and Grizzly Adams beard she’s not doing a very good job.

So while Baby Pullman is off being a “caring daughter,” her fiancé, Lesser Hemsworth, is on the moon helping to build a new weapon right in time for (*gasp*) an unidentified flying object to zoom into view. Meanwhile, Jeff Goldblum is in Africa checking in with an African warlord (the existence of which immediately voids the president’s claim of world peace) who apparently fought aliens for ten years after the last Independence Day. Warlord even has marks on his arms for each alien he’s killed, which he mentions can only be done “from behind” several times to only one nerdy office type who happens to be reviewing Goldblum’s work for a grant proposal. Goldblum manages to gain access to the original ship that landed twenty years back. Apparently the lights turned back on, which we soon learn was because of a distress call that the ship has been beeping out for 20 years.

Rather than focus on any character development, or storyline, we immediately get to the mayhem. The result is underdeveloped characters staring into the void of a green screen. From there the film hits every single shitty expectation one could muster. Explosions. Convenient plot points. We even get a giant alien queen, and a little bit of female empowerment by Baby Pullman. (Again, it’s 2016 and ladies can kill things too.) It’s been 20 years, but humanity’s still got it. Did I mention it’s been 20 years? Because if you didn’t catch it the film will explain that to you. Several times, just to be safe.

It’s not all bad, there’s this unexpected little subplot between Dr. Brackish Okun (Brent Spiner, who we clearly saw die at the hand of an alien in the first film but has apparently just been in a coma for 20 years) and his friend/collegue Dr. Issacs. Issacs has taken care of Okun in the hospital since he went down, even knitting him a cute little scarf and bringing him orchids. There are several points throughout the film where it sounds like the two of them are calling one another baby, which is adorable. It seems IDR snuck in a low-key gay relationship to the summer blockbuster, making for a least a little bit of a character building moment. I guess lesser Hemsworth is a babe, so, there’s that too.

Still, aside from being unintentionally hilarious, there’s absolutely no merit to this film. But, as Hollywood has taught us, it’s easier to make a sequel than come up with anything original, so they couldn’t help but roll the dice. If you can’t help yourself, I suggest going in with the mindset that you’re watching a comedy to make it bearable. You can bring in all the nostalgia you want, but none of it will save your brain from having to ingest Independence Day: Resurgence.

Independence Day: Resurgence is  now playing in theaters everywhere.

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