3GM: 10 Best Acts You’ll Never See Live

Name: The Commitments
From: Roddy Doyle’s 1987 novel The Commitments
Why: This drunken clan of Dubliners proved one thing to the world: Irish people have soul.
Closest Thing in Real Life: Them (Van Morrison’s first band)
Clip or quote: “They’d been in the folk mass choir when they were in school but that, they knew now, hadn’t really been singing. Jimmy said that real music was sex. They called him a dirty bastard but they were starting to agree with him. And there wasn’t much sex in Morning Has Broken or The Lord Is My Shepherd.” – Roddy Doyle

Name: Marvin Berry and the Starlighters
From: Back to the Future (1985) and Back to the Future Part II (1989)
Why: That front-man charisma was not wasted on the Berry family. Chuck’s cousin Marvin apparently resided in Hill Valley, California, where he and his band played high school dances in the ’50s and most likely voted for mayoral candidate “Goldie” Wilson in 1985. Sometimes all two kids need to fall in love is a little something to get their hips moving. Marvin Berry and the Starlighters brought George McFly and Lorraine Baines together one fateful night in 1955 at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and a then-disappearing Teen Wolf thanks them. The Starlighters stuck to the standards mostly, but really showed their chops when Marty McFly led them through a feverishly anachronistic Johnny B. Goode.
Closest thing in real life: The Platters
Clip or Quote: A life-saving rendition of Earth Angel

Name: Citizen Dick
From: Singles (1992)
Why: In 1991, there were two Seattle bands that contained Eddie Vedder, Stone Gossard and Jeff Ament. One went on to multi-platinum records and a rock & roll legacy. The other was the worst band of the grunge era. I’ll give you a hint: the latter was fronted by Ponyboy’s friend from the Outsiders and featured Eddie Vedder on drums. Citizen Dick was just awful, and everyone knew it but them. I guess Vedder wasn’t cut out to be a drummer (You can’t climb the scaffolding of a venue and dive from ludicrous heights in to the crowd when you’re behind a drum kit). In any burgeoning music scene there are undoubtedly tons of shitty bands. Citizen Dick was the shittiest. However, if you needed any further proof that simply being in a band trumps having any real talent when it comes to attracting women, look no further. Citizen Dick’s lead singer later went on to have a threesome with Denise Richards and Neve Campbell.
Closest thing in real life: Green River
Clip or Quote: Citizen Dick reads their best review yet…

Name: Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem; Bert and Ernie’s Hip Hop Crew
From: PBS and The Internet
Why: One of the beautiful things about the Internet is that it enables us to take childhood nostalgia and smash it into the things we love currently.
Closest thing in real life: Dr. John + Janis Joplin + “Pink” Floyd + Gato Barbieri + Keith Moon
Quote: “Golden teeth and golden tones, welcome to my presence.”
Clip:

Name: CB4 (Cell Block 4)
From: CB4 (1993)
Why: Imagine Spinal Tap on Rap. Now let that image pistol whip you across the face.
Closest thing in real life: Public Enemy, N.W.A, Three-6 Mafia
Quote:
Trustus Records: Do you cuss on your records?
CB4: Yeah.
Trustus: Do you defile women with your lyrics?
CB4: Yeah.
Trustus: Do you fondle your genitalia on stage?
CB4: Whenever possible.
Trustus: Do you glorify violence or advocate the use of guns as a way of solving a simple dispute?
CB4: [pull out guns]
Trustus: Ok! Ok! Final question. Do you guys respect anything at all?
CB4: Not a goddamn thing.
Trustus: You got a deal.
Clip:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tvbZja9mtY

Name: Bad Blake
From: Crazy Heart (2009)
Why: Bad Blake writes tender, snake-bitten lyrics and proves that sometimes country music stars can out smoke, out drink and screw more wrinkled groupies than a White Snake reunion.
Closest thing in real life: Waylon Jennings + Johnny Cash + Merle Haggard + Johnny Paycheck
Quote: “Son, I’ve played sick, drunk, divorced, and on the run. Bad Blake hasn’t missed a goddamn show in his whole fucking life.”
Clip:

Name: AutoBahn
From: The Big Lebowski (1998)
Why: Any band that includes Flea – real or fake – is destined to be bad ass. The German nihilists AutoBahn, in this case, fake one simple kidnapping that results in espionage, intra-family treason, more kidnappings, pornographic films, body mutilation, and commitment-free sex, all without ever playing a single song. If that’s not rock n’ roll, I don’t know what it is.
Closest thing in real life: Kraftwerk
Quote: “We’ll cut off your johnson.”

Name: The Beets
From: Doug (TV Series)
Why: This one may only be relevant for those few of us who were under 10 in the early 90’s, but The Beats still claim relevance to our formative years. As a child watching Doug, I could identify with those kids loving their favorite band, no matter how corny they were. With songs like “Killer Tofu” and young fans willing to risk life and limb to see their favorite band play on a school night, The Beets may be the closest thing to Phish ever depicted on cartoon, even if they are just a recreation of The Beatles.
Quote: “Ooo wee ooo, killer tofu!”
Clip:

Name: Stillwater
From: Almost Famous (2000)
Why: Try and tell me that you wouldn’t listen to Fever Dog if it got the same airplay as any Led Zeppelin or Doors song on the radio. The depiction of Stillwater was done so perfectly in Almost Famous that it’s hard to think of them as anything but a real band. Unfortunately, there was no Kate Hudson for Billy Crudup in the ’70s, she was still but an embryo, and the Riot House was no place for children.
Closest thing in real life: Led Zeppelin
Quote: You can tell Rolling Stone Magazine, that my last words were… “I’m on drugs!”
Clip: