3GM: The Newest Lips of American Idol

There are new rules for these horrors of ’80s rock.  Rather than tour the country for their handful of devoted fans; they’re taking over reality TV. So, am I surprised that Steven Tyler is joining American Idol?  Not in the least.  You know what else isn’t surprising?  It’s not even an original move on his part.  This old rocker on reality TV bit all started with Ozzy on The Osbournes and Rock of Love with the lead singer of Poison, Bret Michaels.

Conor Kelley:

When Steven Tyler made the decision to join American Idol, it came as absolutely no surprise to me. After all, Aerosmith is more than likely the most commercially successful American rock band of all-time. Why wouldn’t their lead singer be a staple on the most popular TV show in America? Serious rock fans may scoff at this move from the big-lipped Boston bad boy, but honestly, we all know Steven Tyler jumped the shark sometime in the mid ’90s. Admittedly, Aerosmith at one time was a force in American rock. Joe Perry’s trash-blues guitar chops mixed with Tyler’s scarf-laden, ego-driven mega persona became a sure-fire formula for rock success in the late ’70s and beyond. However, the band peaked musically after their first few records and have been on a slow but steady descent into trite unoriginality ever since.

I can’t even look at Steven Tyler anymore. Honestly dude, you look like Joan Rivers on a walk-of-shame home from a post-Oscar gang bang. The only Aerosmith songs that will stand the test of time were off their first three records. For those of us who weren’t alive to experience Aerosmith during their brief intersection of fame and authenticity, just think about Randall “Pink” Floyd and “Woulda been” Wooderson rolling up a couple bones and taking their girls to a blues-rooted Aerosmith show in the summer of ’76. Sounds pretty cool right? Those days are so far gone they almost aren’t worth mentioning anymore. The fact of the matter is Steven Tyler holds no more musical respectability than Sanjay Gupta. Shit, they probably go to the same hair dresser.

Jonathan Kosakow:

I’ll admit it. When Aerosmith put out Get a Grip in 1993, I listened to it nonstop. I was nine, okay, lay off, and that video for Crazy was the first time I knew what love was. From there I went to Permanent Vacation and eventually found Dream On and Sweet Emotion.  I have a vivid memory of Garth asking Steven Tyler if his lips were real and Tyler answering with a with a full-on motorboat.  At the time I not only thought that Wayne and Garth were two of the coolest dudes around, but that anything they liked was sure to be cool.  By that logic, Steven Tyler was also the man (that logic also explains my brief obsession with Alice Cooper and finding synonyms for “vomit” in the thesaurus).

But now I realize that if I’d any frame of reference at the time, or had my balls dropped, I probably would have found Wayne and Garth to be huge losers and Steven Tyler’s huge lips and freakishly skinny torso wrapped in colorful scarves to be a little bit, well, creepy.  The moment Tyler co-wrote Dude Looks Like a Lady, he became a pop star on the same plane as Janet Jackson, Bobby Brown and Axl Rose, who we can now, finally, all agree is quite the little diva himself.  It’s unfortunate that a letter from myself to the 9-year-old me would probably advise against that purchase of Get A Grip in 1993, but I guess it makes sense that Steven Tyler, his band on the verge of certain demise and himself grasping for that last bit of cheap fame, will be judging the next generation of wannabe pop stars, trying to brand himself in this world of brand-name musicians.

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3 Responses

  1. “like Joan Rivers on a walk-of-shame home from a post-Oscar gang bang.”

    I’d give it to Joan Rivers, but not with two other dudes!

  2. dude is a loser, here is proof:

    http://www.usmagazine.com/moviestvmusic/news/25-things-you-dont-know-about-me-steven-tyler-2011121

    1. I have swum with dolphins.

    2. I’ve met the president and hugged the first lady.

    3. I sang four songs from Abbey Road to Paul McCartney.

    4. I danced with the devil on several occasions.

    5. I meditated with the Dalai Lama.

    6. I love to scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef.

    7. I used to hunt and trap as a kid.

    8. I can live for two months on a good compliment.

    9. Love Maya Angelou and Yma Sumac.

    10. Hate leeches.

    11. I’ve hugged a koala bear in Australia.

    12. I have isms that were was-ems.

    13. I love to hang-glide and pick and eat the leaves off the tops of trees.

    14. Disney World is my idea of the ideal vacation.

    15. I can hold my breath for two minutes underwater.

    16. I make my own Dirico motorcycles.

    17. I’m married to four guys.

    18. My son Taj is a bigger lady killer than I was.

    19. I believe the best way to get into a lady’s pants is to borrow her jeans.

    20. Somehow a wineglass makes my Kangen Water taste better.

    21. I had a pet raccoon named Bandit.

    22. Eating my words never gave me indigestion.

    23. My rock universe has a new center of gravity.

    24. I’m a fragrance cognoscente. Love my oils.

    25. I’ve got 25 fewer secrets now.

  3. “The only Aerosmith songs that will stand the test of time were off their first three records”

    Their 4th album, ‘Rocks’, is generally considered their best album.

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