The B List: Building The Perfect Venue

2. Have an easy way to get people in and out

The show ends and I’m half-drunk and fully tired. I want to go home. I don’t want to be forced to stand in my seat for 20 minutes because only two of the eight exits in the building are open. The same goes for entering. Have a system that maximizes your entry points and gets people in the venue and plenty of signs pointing them where to go to find their seats. The United Palace Theater, while beautiful with glorious acoustics, can’t get people in or out for shit and it’s annoying.

3. Have plenty of bathrooms

Nobody wants to spend $50 to stand in line for the john for an hour. And we’ve all seen the guy that just can’t take it anymore so he goes in the sink…or in the garbage…or on the floor…or on the guy in front of him…just not good for anyone. The newer sports venues are accounting for the bathroom crush, concert venues should too. We don’t need em spit-shined and sparkling, just functional and easily accessible.

4. Have a coat check that isn’t a complete goatfuck

Here in NYC, nothing is worse than going to a small-venue concert in the winter only to be left with the choice of waiting in line for 45 minutes to check your coat or sweating the night away in your parka. Find a way to make the coat check work so people aren’t wasting half the night standing in line. One 19-year old half-assedly manning a tiny window while blackberrying her friend and twirling her hair is not efficient. Dedicate some resources to the coat check in the winter.

5. Have a streamlined IDing process

I don’t want to miss the first four songs because I was standing on line waiting for a bald giant in a black shirt with a nose ring to check my ID. I understand the need to card people, but find a way that is quick and efficient. Carding people on the way in is a good way to get it over and done with.

6. Have an understanding security staff

Everyone has the right to feel safe at a concert. And the only way to ensure that is to employ some form of Yellow Jacket Brigade. But the security staff should know and understand the difference between someone trying to start a Mosh Pit at a Flaming Lips show (bad) and a guy in the back of the mezzanine smoking a joint (harmless). Security should mostly be dedicated to keeping people safe and not using flashlights and spy technology to catch someone taking a toke. I’m not saying a Cheech and Chong movie should be allowed to break out. But there are varying degrees of “Concert Violations” and the security team should be able to distinguish the felony from the misdemeanor.

There are certainly other elements that go into a positive concert experience like, ya know, a good band. But a well-run venue can go a long way towards helping the cause.