On Thursday, Paramount Pictures released the first trailer for the upcoming reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yes, the Ninja Turtles are back on the big screen, but the new teaser trailer stinks like the New York City sewer. And it’s not just because of the apparent lack of pizza or “Cowabunga” shouts.
Longtime fans of the butt-kicking, anthropomorphic turtles have been dreading to see what these iconic heroes would be like in the hands of explosion enthusiast Michael Bay. And after being told, “Just wait and see. It could still be good,” by our wisest, most Master Splinter-like friends, we can continue to predict the worst for the film itself.
For a trailer just 90 seconds long, it raises a lot of questions for fans while managing to look a special kind of awful in the process.
1. Note that the first 30 seconds of the trailer could be for almost any blockbuster action movie. There’s plenty of meaningless gunfire from criminals. A SWAT team races into a room at full spring. Something blows up, courtesy of producer Michael Bay. It could as easily be for a Transformers or Avengers flick as it could be for a new Die Hard movie. Which is almost as admirable as it is dumb. Almost.
2. What a generic opening monologue. A sinister male voiceover declares, “Crime, violence, and fear have run rampant.” Somebody must have vetoed the cliché “In a world…” trailer narration and quickly replaced it with something as forgettable. If this trailer pulls the best dialogue from the movie, and trailers usually do, we’re doomed when it comes to the actual motion picture. Even a Vanilla Ice cameo couldn’t improve things.
3. As TV news reporter April O’Neil, Megan Fox seems ready to prove again that she has the acting chops of a cut-rate frozen pizza. The picture looks good enough for a second but there’s no real substance or appeal. Based on the trailer, she’ll spend the movie staring into the camera, using her smartphone, and running in slow motion. Which is to be expected.
4. The dialogue does manage to say, “Heroes aren’t born; they’re created” alongside some fleeting shots of mutagen. At least this suggests Bay and director Jonathan Liebesman have decided not to scrap the original origin story in favor of making the foursome into “loveable aliens.” If you recall, that actually was part of their original plan.
5. If you look closely, you’ll see Will Arnett is in this movie. That’s him looking especially worried or amused — why can’t I tell the difference — next to Megan Fox at the 44-second mark. Why is Will Arnett in this movie? He’s playing Vernon, April’s cameraman. That should make for some good comic relief. And relief of any sort seems exactly liked we’ll be needing when the film hits theatres in May.
6. In case the ominous shot of William Fichtner staring at The Shredder’s costume doesn’t make it obvious enough, it’s seems he’ll be donning the suit as the villain. Fichtner (probably best known for his roles on Prison Break and Invasion) will, no doubt, give a menacing performance that will add some welcome complexity to the movie. My only hopes for this flick are riding on you, sir.
7. By the time we see more than a fleeting glimpse of a Ninja Turtle, Leonardo does a giant backflip with his Katana blades extended. But when he lands, he looks, well, especially top-heavy for a ninja. He’s huge; towering over April in a way the characters never have before. Maybe bulky, tall Turtles will be better Turtles. Or maybe they should have dusted off the animatronic suits Jim Henson’s Creature Shop made for the 1990 live action film instead presenting such lackluster CGI creations. To say this computer-generated Leonardo looks believable would be like saying Bay doesn’t like it when things go boom on screen.
8. After countless sweeping shots of New York City, the trailer cuts to our heroes sliding on their shells down some snow-covered mountain. Moments later, the rapid edits stop and we get to see the titular heroes do something at less than a breakneck pace. Only what we see a Ninja Turtle do is collide painfully with a parked Jeep on the mountain. Why is this shot emphasized by being in slow motion? Nobody’s ever wanted to see Donatello hit a Jeep, but the misguided folks behind the trailer seem to really think otherwise.
9. By the last few seconds of the teaser, we finally get some dialogue out of one of the Turtles. And it’s Michaelangelo, who you may remember as being “the party dude.” The funny one. Chances are, in this moment when Michaelangelo’s trying to get April to calm down, you braced yourself for a hearty laugh. And you braced yourself for nothing. He says, “Chill. It’s just a mask,” and then removes his orange bandana. If you haven’t seen the trailer, trust me, it’s even less amusing than it sounds. I’m fine with reinterpreting beloved characters and promoting creative freedom, but if you don’t laugh at least once while watching a Ninja Turtles movie trailer, someone messed up somewhere. I’d like to think that’s really why April fainted at the end of it.
10. Yes, it’s unfair to judge a movie by the trailer. But “in a world” where almost everyone has figured out how to make a lousy movie into a pretty, good-looking teaser trailer, this is shell-shockingly bad. Maybe Michael Bay shouldn’t have let his Turtles out of their shell just yet.
