According to NPR, four out of five of the people who buy gym memberships stop going within a couple of months. In order to help you avoid a similar fate, I’m giving you a list of the 10 songs that you absolutely must not put on your iPod as you prepare to head to the elliptical.
10. What Became of the Baby – Grateful Dead: Your mind will be too completely blown to workout. Not to mention that at this tempo, you might crack a 168-minute-mile.
9. Chushingura – Jefferson Airplane: You will spend the whole time trying to figure out whats wrong with your iPod and why it’s emitting that high-pitch noise.
8. Start Me Up – Rolling Stones: At first, this will seem like the perfect workout song, then about halfway through you’ll realize that you’ll never be in as good shape as Mick Jagger, who at nearly 70 is still dancing around the stage for three hours, while you’re struggling to “jog” for five minutes.
7. Black Dog – Led Zeppelin: This too will seem perfect at first, but then you will realize that the drum and guitar parts are in different time signatures, and you will get seriously injured.
6. The Needle and the Damage Done – Neil Young: You will be too depressed to do anything, let alone lift heavy objects.
5. Taurus – Spirit: Not only is there no beat, but you’ll be so distracted by the fact that Jimmy Page ripped off the beginning of Stairway to Heaven from this song, that you’ll re-injure yourself.
4. You Enjoy Myself – Phish: You will stop working out and start pulling tubes.
3. John Lennon and Yoko Ono – Two Virgins: The music will make you feel slightly nauseous, and then, as the cover art of the album appears on your iPod, you will see two people very accepting of their own bodies, and it will make you want to accept yours without all the suffering.
2. Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun – Pink Floyd: Syd and company will get so deep inside your head that you’ll spend your entire time at the gym trying to freak out the uptight corporate drones in the weight room.
1. Revolution #9 – The Beatles : This song has been scientifically proven to kill all motivation to do anything.
Ed Watts is the author of U.S. Blues, a murder mystery set in the 1985 Grateful Dead parking lot scene.