Mary J. Blige’s Testicles May Be Shrinking

Record company executives and the RIAA for far too long have turned a blind eye to the pandemic that’s been tearing apart the integrity of the music industry.


Album sales have dwindled and increasing ticket prices have seen many live performances scantily attended, leaving many musicians to secretly take matters into their own hands. You may have noticed several well-known hip hop stars running around the stage with more energy than ever, hitting notes they’ve never hit, producing records at inhuman paces. And we now [allegedly] know why — steroids and human growth hormones, according to the Albany Times-Union:

The names of R&B music star Mary J. Blige, along with rap artists 50 Cent, Timbaland and Wyclef Jean, and award-winning author and producer Tyler Perry, have emerged in an Albany-based investigation of steroids trafficking that has already rocked the professional sports world, according to confidential sources.

How deep-rooted is the problem? Will the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee hold public hearings and drag half the hip-hop genre before Congress? Will black activists rise up to claim that Eminem is getting a free pass while 50 Cent is being raked over the coals? Can you imagine any music critics voting these stars into the R&B Hall of Fame? I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to throw an asterisk on every single setlist from the past 10 years.

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7 Responses

  1. Karl Denson was CLEARLY on the juice for a long time…but rumors of his inclusion in the Mitchell Report must’ve forced him to stop, because he’s slimmed back down.

  2. Do steroids make you a musician of questionable talent with an overhyped career? If so, that would explain an awful lot. Is Jay-Z also on this list, by any chance?

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