Phish Fans Get Dissed, Edge Out Nazis

REM – One would expect to see a show rivaling other big time arena rock bands like U2, AC/DC, or Pearl Jam from the Athens rock stars, but the problem is the crowd at their shows is largely numb as a statue on Ativan. Perhaps it depends where you see them, but you’d be hard pressed to find a band who doesn’t bring the heat to Madison Square Garden and the fans there seemed to pay attention half the time at best, waiting for the hits and spending more time on line buying hot nachos.

Particle – Particle is one of those bands that I could only ever listen to in the solitude of my own home, because the fan base at the live shows just felt way too strung out. I guess it’s par for the course when you shred at warp speed for hours on end and play the majority of shows at like five in the morning, but this scene just felt too much like the latter day Phish scene that helped drive it into the ground. Don’t get me wrong, Particle could play, but man, those fans were just way too overstimulated for my blood.

Gram Parsons – This one is more a state of mind than anything related to Gram, but these fans personify the wannabe music know-it-all. Parsons is the classic example of the power of influence that comes from dying. Nowadays, everybody acts like they were huge fans of Gram all along (or would have been had they been born in time). If you took a class on references to drop to sound knowledgeable about music, they would probably tell you to piece together sentences using the words Gram Parsons, post-something, and Tom Dowd.  Throw in a couple lines about sweeping guitar harmonies and you got yourself a job.

Green Day – Green Day fans deserve a scolding, because these fans let the tides of trendiness sway them in and out of fanhood. Green Day went from acclaimed punk act to way too mainstream pop-punk band and subsequently became a bit of a nostalgia act, despite never waning in quality. Fast forward a few years and they cranked out a Grammy Award for Best Rock Album and sold 14 million copies of the rock opera, American Idiot, reclaiming critical darling status. Ironically, Green Day’s sound never really changed, so these fans were clearly just victims of their own perception.

Animal Collective – Simply put, I don’t believe that all these people are really that into the Merriweather Post Pavillion album. It felt like everybody was spanking it to this album and calling it the best of ’09 three months before it ever came out. These fans stink of group-think and victims of the hype machine. Think for yourselves ya wankers. If all these fans were that into these guys, they would have taken more notice of Panda Bear’s Person Pitch album in ’07. Now that is an album.

Coldplay – Turn on a CW dramedy and you’re bound to hear a Coldplay song; watch the commercials during said dramedy and you’re bound to hear a Coldplay song; and do anything after said dramedy, and you’re singing a f*cking Coldplay song. The result is a jaded fanbase of original fans replaced by a ton of really attractive women. You might think that is a good thing, but it really sucks.

Unfortunately, studies show that the attractiveness of women is directly correlated to their likelihood to clap and sing during concert situations (see: Dave Matthews Band). Worse yet, the correlation of the attractiveness of women and the douche level of their companion is even higher (see: link).

That’s all we got. Who makes your list?