Soundtrack Smack: Finding The Right Fit

The Inspirational Training Montage

Late in the championship game with the score even up, our protagonist abruptly loses his superpower (i.e., wolf status, surgically repaired hard throwing 8th grade arm, Flubber, angelic outfielding assistance, Michael Jordan‘s shoes, etc.) and realizes he/she will have to win the game with their regular old abilities.

Just as we think it’s all over for the underdogs, an inspirational training montage reminds our hero what really got him to the championship in the first place: hard work and determination. Just then, the original loser comes out of the pep talk/time out/dugout, pumps air into the Reeboks (as Alex takes us home with his Keyboard solo), leads the team to victory, ditches the attractive chick, and makes out with the much uglier one as the credits roll.


The Big Ass Drug Deal

We’re not talking about the small time here, this scene starts with a garage door sliding open to reveal crates of dope being unloaded into semi trucks. The montage continues with a big fat cigar smoking mafia man slumped back behind his desk making deals; drug mules delivering silver cases of cash to the customs agent at the border; Columbian badasses lounging by the pool with big breasted women in bikinis delivering them tequila sunrises and teenage kids blowing lines off the toilet paper role in the high school bathroom.


The Part Where She Finds Out It Was a Bet

Just when it seems everything is going smoothly and there’s not a care in the world, the damn backstory rears its ugly head. This scene always kills the last 30 minutes of otherwise enjoyable teen dramedies. Whether it be a bet with a fellow soccer player, a plot to crash upper class wedding receptions, or services rendered in exchange for buying a new suede dress with lawn mowing money, the part where the plan falls through is a guaranteed downer… But if they play those cards right, the luck could change in the nick of time.


I Love You, but I Can’t Be With You

“I’m a loose cannon, it’s just too dangerous.” We’ve all seen this plotline a handful of times before in the comic book movies. Even though the unmasked version of our superhero has found the love of his life, he knows it’s too risky to bring her into his tangled web of danger and deceit. Instead, he feels that in order to save his soul mate from harm’s way, he must set her free. This is easier said than done, given that our hero cannot reveal his secret identity, because that too would be too much information for the sweet dove to bear. So, he must make her very angry and send her packing.


The Introduction of the Foreign Character’s Zany Personality

This scene situates a zany foreign protagonist in the midst of a big American city where the natives find his accent, dress, and accoutrements rather silly, possibly because he carries a huge knife and hunts crocodiles or serves as an African prince in his regular day to day. Inevitably, foibles such as dodging the escalator, experimenting with a bidet, and awkwardly discussing football contests ensue as our main character embraces his/her new setting. Fortunately, in the end he will find true love and happiness while overcoming the thick cultural and geographic barriers.


Sports Highlight Reel

Lastly, this one is a multimedia presentation. Instead of me describing it; just watch. First click on the track and let it play a couple seconds and then turn the sound down on the YouTube clip, and press play. Now sit back and enjoy the two masters at work.



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2 Responses

  1. Ok–Immigrant song is ruined forever–as I will forever think of shrek.

    Makes you realize how even great music can suck when it feels totally disjointed from its visual counterpart. But when its done well, you get some of the most memorable movie moments. (maybe even when its done poorly as I will forever remember the sex scene from watchmen as of the most ridiculous movie scenes of all time. I pee’d my pants a little when hallelujah started to play…)

  2. Seriously? While I agree with your assessment of “Hallelujah” in Watchmen, I would have to say that your song choices, for the scenarios you have created, are not good either.

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