B List: Proposed World Cup Fight Songs

Argentina – It Takes Two (Rob Base)

The Argentinean stalwarts generally pose a threat come cup time, and while this year they possess the FIFA World Player of the Year, Lionel Messi, they are going to need a lot more than just one star player. After all, there’s no “Messi” in “Messiah.” Oh wait, there is. Nevermind. He’s too good; no one can stop him. Even if they do have a TV show host for a manager who loves to free Rob Base (on the dance floor), Messi is a one man wrecking crew.

USA – The Best of What’s Around (Dave Matthews)

Probably the best indication I’ve seen regarding the state of American soccer fan-hood comes from a celebrity blog called Glitter and Gossip in their coverage of our brightest national team’s star and Dave Matthews doppelganger, Landon Donovan, at his wedding…

“Although we are literally knee-deep in celebrity gossip, eating, breathing, sleeping it every waking minute of the day, every once in awhile, there’s a celebrity wedding and Madison and I will look at each other, scratch our heads and go, “Who?” Such is the case with this one. People Magazine is covering it, so they must be celebs, but they’re new to us.”

Nevertheless, we once-every-four-year fans have our best outlook of the modern era coming in ranked #14 with a relatively good draw and a squad of experienced and serviceable, albeit mediocre footballers.

Portugal. The Country – Safe European Home (the Clash)

Best known for their inclusion on the continent of Europe; being a port country that makes port wine; representing the “P” in “PIIGS;” hanging on to a not-booming cork industry; and expelling the Moors, Portugal could sure use some national pride to rally around these days, since, you know, none of that stuff is very good. Well, guess what? The Portugal National Team comes into the 2010 tournament ranked with an all-time high #3 FIFA ranking. They do have the Brazilians to tend to in the opening round, but two teams advance from each group, so they should presumably slip past Korea DPR and Cote D’Ivoire, despite both having solid squads.

Germany – Groupie Therapy (The Pharcyde)

Most folks quickly pronounced Group G as the “Group of Death” on account of Brazil and Portugal landing in the same draw, but Germany (and the Jews) may view things decidedly different. The German national team faces a first round nightmare in Group D as unheralded nothing-to-lose teams like Ghana and Serbia round out a beast of a group that also includes the Aussies. In the tireless hours of research that went into producing this astute analysis, just about everything I read says, do not assume it to be a foregone conclusion that Germany advances beyond the opening round. Nice cars though.

Spain – Sirius (The Alan Parsons Project)

Since we can only assume the Spanish national team gets their quick feet by ducking in and out of nooks and crannies in their efforts to avoid being mauled from behind by bulls, the best theme song for Spain is the Chicago Bulls Theme circa 1997. Swap out Fernando Torres for Scottie Pippen and Xavi for Michael Jordan, and you’ve got yourself the 2010 World Championship Spanish National Team. I don’t much about futbol, but I hear this is the year Spain brings home the Cup – just like another Chicago team.

England – If You Can’t Beat Them (Queen)

This is controversial any way you slice it, but one of my best friends and I moonlight as arch-nemesis about four times per year, as I’m a Michigan fan and he’s a Michigan State fan. Well, a couple years ago he taught me the holy grail of hedging your emotional investment in sports: Bet on the other team. Sounds crazy, but it’s not. It’s genius. The emotional toil of losing both your hopes for the season plus all your money is too much to stomach; however, if you bet on the other team, you have your emotional glory if the team you want wins, yet a harmless inflow of cash should they lose.

Trust me, you won’t care about the money if your team wins, and if they lose, it helps numb the pain. Plus, it’s good sportsmanship to root for the team who bested your own, right? In other words, take England in your pools. And secretly, who doesn’t want to root for Wayne Rooney? HT fave Johnny Flynn even has a song named after him.

France – Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes (Your Elementary School Gym Teacher)

In case you didn’t know better, foreigners do not take kindly to opponents talking about their mothers, (or sisters for that matter). I know you probably think that’s the case in the USA as well, but overseas, it’s a whole different sphere of leather (or other suitable material). While Italy’s Marco Materazzi may have gone home in 2004 with a World Cup, despite his dirty play and dirtier mouth, Zinedine Zidane saw to it that he also went home with a skull-shaped tattoo in this middle of his rib cage. Zidane meanwhile earned international honors as the world’s first non-wuss Frenchman.

Brazil – He’s Not Here (Charlie Daniels Band)

Not only does the team often credited with putting the “beautiful” in the “beautiful game” face a particularly tough draw, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, they don’t have a sweet guy named Ronald-something. While they do have a guy of near-Ronald caliber who knows his onions in “Kaka” and a so very close Robinho on this year’s squad; the word “team” will likely determine Brazil’s fate. By the way, do you think somebody should notify Nike that Ronaldinho isn’t on the team anymore?

Italy – I Fall Down (U2)

Most people do not know this, but remember the movie Falling Down where Michael Douglas leaves his car parked on the highway on a hot day and proceeds to go bananas, gunning down anyone who crosses him, on account of the flaws of society? Well, that movie was shot right after his character attended a friendly against Italy and he was pissed off about all the dives the Italians took to draw whistles. Check out this clip of an Italian practice and you’ll get the idea.

Netherlands – Symphony No. 9 (Beethoven)

Clockwork Orange; The Netherlands national team wears Orange; Beethoven’s ninth represents a dramatic climax in Clockwork Orange; Something about soccer.

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3 Responses

  1. This is awesome. Whether it was leading off with “Can I Borrow A Feeling”, or calling out Italy on their falling down shenanigans, I give this article a solid A+!

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