At Least Now We Know 2017’s Worst Film: ‘King Arthur: Legend of the Sword’ (FILM REVIEW)

[rating=1.00]

Guy Ritchie’s King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, is an insult to film, and the senses of anyone unfortunate enough to view it. The idea of this revamp of the legend could work in theory; familiarity paired with the intrigue of magical realism, rooted in historical fact is an easy go to. So why then, after a successful career and a few hit movies here and there, was Ritchie so easily able to destroy the very foundation of popular fiction? An overzealous take on the tale, paired with a bloated budget, and access to mid-00’s video games were seemingly the undoing of the “film,” and now we’ll have to live knowing this abomination is floating out there in the ether, ready to accost your senses at any moment.

The tweaked storyline gives us a kingdom in which Uther Pendragon (Eric Bana) rules piously, wielding the magical Excalibur and literally stopping time with a swing of his phallus in order to get all the bad guys. Arthur (Charlie Hunnam) is his legitimate son, with his wife, who he’s totally always been faithful to. His brother, Vortigern, doesn’t like all this getting along, so he murders anyone faithful to Uther, including Arthur’s mother. It being a magical world and all, Uther is able to envelope Excalibur in stone before falling to the coup, ensuring Arthur’s destiny as the rightful ruler. Also, Little Finger (Aiden Gillan) is there, because, I don’t know, swords and mischief?

While it clocked it at a cool two hours, King Arthur dragged on for so long that there was an uncomfortable shift, at least an hour in, felt by the entire audience. Never has there been such an undying want to glance at the time in an effort to know when this torture would cease. Perhaps it was the unnecessary slow motion scenes, or the lack of a cohesive story line that made it feel like an infinite time loop. Or maybe, just maybe, the government secretly used the audience as test subjects for a new form of punishment; wretched fiction pumped into your brain to the point where you’ve lost all forms of suspension of disbelief.

It was as if someone slipped into Ritchie’s brain in the dead of night, recorded a disconnected dream, and slobbered it out onto film without letting the executives of the studio know. “Guys, Ritchie’s really done it this time. It’s a hot take on an old tale, it’s got his signature all over it.” One can only hope that someday when the aliens finally come to earth after we’re all extinct, they destroy the remainder of our society before they come across this movie, allowing the existence of humanity to rot freely without this burden.

While the video game-esque take on the tale wasn’t so bad in theory, there was not a single element that worked. Stars Jude Jaw and Hunnam did their best to work with the material, stepping into roles they were surely paid handsomely for. Law can generally save at least his character, but as the villainous King who seeks to destroy Arthur, he came off cartoonish and meek. He had fucking super powers, and still couldn’t pull off looking suave. His entire existence is pumped into building a giant, phallic tower. The larger and taller it gets, the more powerful he will be. Huh, ok.

Hunnam on the other hand went all in, playing the role of the cocky would-be leader who doesn’t play by the rules, man. He’s plagued with loss and hardship, yet he continues to act selfish and reckless, playing fast and loose with the lives of those who “cares for.” Due to the lack of plot, we see Arthur bouncing around from caring for the women of the brothel who took him in (who inexplicably don’t seem to age) and beating up dudes in the back alleys of Londonium, all while pilfering away a closet full of gold for no discernable reason.

Djimon Hounsou and Tom Wu are thrown in as the token ethnic friends, playing the wise black man (Sir Bedivere) and the martial arts guru (George) for good measure. We even get a lady mage, because c’mon guys this is 2017. She mentions being sent by Merlin, but only in passing. The film implies she could be Merlin during a flashback which shows the being wielding Excalibur for the first time. The person has little hands and long hair (gasp) just like the mage does. If this was set up for a follow up movie, for which we can only hope the studio gets their deposit back.

If you were stuck on a desert island, and King Arthur: Legend of the Sword were your only form of entertainment, you’d be better off going mad and talking to your new friends, the rocks lining the cliff. There are far better things you could do with your time, like pulling out your eyelashes one by one. Or writing a letter to Guy Ritchie, asking if he’s doing alright. There’s not much worse out there.

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword is now playing in theaters everywhere.