Hidden Track: And So It Begins…

I read music websites for the latest news, my buddy likes commentary and my dog digs only concert reviews. Think ya can you swing all that, and what else will you provide us? Do you have amateur porn?

I think we can swing all that: the news, the reviews, the bloviating nonsense that spews forth from these fingers. We see a fair amount of shows, and we know some people that know some people that blow some people. But I think you’ll quickly find what you’re looking for from a music blog. Like many of you, we know the Internet pretty well: the short attention spans, the cynicism and skepticism, the superiority complexes, the inherent need for attention, the message board mindsets, and the headier-than-thou attitudes. And we can play that game.

In addition to the standard blog fare, we’ll also highlight tons of mp3s and videos from around the web, recommend all sorts of hidden downloadable treasures, post some rock star interviews, deliver weekly audio and video BitTorrent reports, review the latest technology, reward you with prizes and giveaways, formulate lists of new releases and toss out a slew of other assorted miscellany that will likely blow your goddamn mind. Seriously, I’d buy some mind-blowing insurance for the shit contained herewithin and the shit that’s yet to come.

We’re planning to update the blog daily, and as we get rolling you’ll find us posting several times a day. Yes, we have day jobs, but we’re willing to risk a Grade-A rogering from the boss in order to brighten your day just a little bit.

No porn, sorry. Try Phantasy Tour.

Who’s this “we” you keep talking about? Isn’t this your blog?

Actually, it’s our blog. You and me. And the slovenly homeless couple I caught boinking on the subway steps this morning. And the girl from accounts receivable with the lazy eye that defecated into the bread basket at the office holiday party. All of us. It’s our blog. Down here. Our blog. Chester Copperpot.

More to your question, I’m calling on some of my friends to help me in this endeavor, to provide as much content on this page as possible. My trusty first lieutenant is a good and thorough man named Scott Bernstein, or Scotty B to the thousands of bloupies (blog groupies, of course) that fellate him nightly. Scotty is a wealth of music knowledge and a master scavenger of the Internets, a man that you’ll eventually want to high-five repeatedly when you meet him at a show.

We’ll have some other less frequent contributors as well, but I’ll introduce everyone along the way. Right now, all eyes here.

Do you encourage feedback in the form of comments or prefer we keep our guaranteed-to-be-dissenting opinions to ourselves?

I want this to be a marketplace of ideas, a site where the readers’ comments drastically outweigh the posts in both class and intellect, no matter how well-written the post or how devastatingly handsome the author. Please drop down some knowledge on us at any time, and feel free to be as smug and condescending as possible. If there’s anything the world wide web needs more of, it’s holier-than-thou knowitalls that over-analyze the arguments of others behind the veil of a cleverly ironic screen name. So, please, let us hear what you have to say. I’m sure it’s much more awesome, or as the kids say, awesomer.

If you could go back in time and see one show in the history of live music — from Adam playing Bach’s G Major on a makeshift cello in the Garden of Eden to Adam Ant playing Goody Two Shoes at Royal Albert Hall to last week’s epic performance by local power trio Adam’s Patchouli Stank at the Borders in Decatur, Illinois – what concert would it be?

A bunch of shows jump right out at me: watching the Grateful Dead in Egypt wouldn’t suck, any Pink Floyd show where they played The Wall, one of the Talking Heads Stop Making Sense shows, the Allmans with both motorcycle superstars still alive, the popular rock band Phish playing Dark Side of the Moon in a half-filled Utah arena or The White Album on Halloween, just to name some obvious entries.

But there’s only one show that I’d trade in all the other shows I’ve seen just to have been in the back of the theatre, even in the very last row: The Last Waltz. On November 25, 1976, Bill Graham presented the Winterland audience with a full Thanksgiving dinner, some professional dancers for the ballroom floor and the last performance by the greatest house band in history backing a disgusting collection of musical gods.


The Band’s farewell performance featured amazing collaborations with Neil Young, Eric Clapton, Dr. John, Muddy Waters, Ronnie Hawkins, Van Morrison, Joni Mitchell, Paul Butterfield, Neil Diamond and the Luscious Bobby Dylan. I mean, seriously, if you happened to be in San Francisco at the time and blindly bought a ticket to “The Band & Friends” and walked into that shit, you’ve been playing with house money for the last 30 years.

Name for me three severely underrated and generally off-the-radar artists or bands that aren’t still around I should either download legally or pick up at the record sto’?

Cymande, Milt Jackson, and Horace Silver. All three are incredible, and they should be uploaded to your iPod post-haste.

The live music community is generally a peace-loving bunch of neo-hippies intent on saving the world one veggie burrito at a time. I’ve read some of the stuff you’ve written on Slack LaLane, and I guess my question is, aren’t you a little, um, too casual in your racism for this line of work?

Hey, I love everybody. I’m actually a lot like Jesus Christ, in that I love every single one of the gods’ creatures equally, and I’d like the world to join hands and live as one. The only group of people I hold an inherent bias against are Red Sawx fans, and that’s not really racist, unless you consider Funny-Talkin’ Loudmouth Fucking Fuckfaces With Their Freckle-Faced Chubby Redheaded Whiny Girlfriends a “race.” And I personally don’t. So I’m in the clear. Oh, and the Jews. Hate ‘em.

Do you know any good jokes?

I’ll tell you later.

Who the hell are you? Can I read anything you’ve written before in order to properly gauge whether or not I’ll like it here?

As I mentioned above, I’ve been wasting everybody’s valuable time on the fierce playground of irreverence that is my other blog for the last two and a half years. I also enjoyed an eight-month stint over at the Live Music Blog, but that came to an abrupt halt about a year ago when I slept with the proprietor’s daughter.

To the second part of your question, sir or madam, I offer you these recent samples of the type of intellectually devoid malarkey you can expect: Roger Waters at MSG, Bustle In Your Hedgrow boat cruise, Maceo Parker at Irving Plaza, Ramble Dove with Big Red Ernie, Tea Leaf Green at CBGB, The 6th Annual Jammys, and as an added bonus, here’s my epic Coventry post (confirmed) and a story about meeting Page McConnell and Howard Dean in JFK airport (including a Rule #1 pic).

As you’ll see, I’m part fanboy fluffer, part jaded vet. I’m a realist with a foot in each camp. It’s kinda fun straddling the line.

Rick Flair

Nature Boy Ric Flair used to say, “To be the man, you gotta beat the man.” Apply this to the current state of live music, be it rock bands or so-called jambands, and cite one example from history in explaining your reasoning.

I won’t do that. Absolutely unreasonable request. But, I will make one last pitch: I know that if you’ve made it this far down the page without scoffing and plotting my demise, you’re somewhat interested in how we proceed from here.

Well, we’re ready to go, so get on board. The site will need a little work and it’ll take some time to reach the full rolling boil, but we’ll hit it eventually.

Come hang out with us…

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0 Responses

  1. damn… i’m looking forward to this blog!! love your work on slack and have been a big fan of glide from day 1. keep up the good work 🙂

  2. well well well, that is one informative faq if i’ve ever seen one. i mean, wow, those were the EXACT questions i had in mind! how do you do it, ace?

  3. Good Stuff, Ace!

    I don’t even like music, yet I’m going to read this here blog for the stellar commentary and vibrant on-line community.

  4. so …if ric flair entered a battle royale with every band out there.. who would win?

    as long as no animals were harmed in the making of the is blog i support it hole heartedly

  5. Look at you!!! All growns up and shit. We over at Slack congratulate you and fully expect you to leave us for “her”. “her” being that slut named “Hidden Track”. It’s cool though.

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