Wayne: Yeah little bro man, you have to wait till Aunt Lenore gets here so we can all marvel at her insanity as she drones on about the mystery of the witness tree. [pauses] Mom, did Aunt Lenore go to Woodstock or something?
Mom: What is that supposed to mean, Wayne?
Laughing, Wayne puts his forefinger and thumb together and pretends to smoke, making the universal signal for smoking a joint. Just then, there’s a knock at the door.
Wayne: Finally…
Mom: Wayne, knock it off and go answer the door. And be nice to your aunt; she is family after all.
Wayne answers the door politely and finds Aunt Lenore arrives adorned in a Guatemalan tunic, sandals made of old rope, and an assortment of crystals and beaded jewelry. She hugs and kisses Wayne as well as the boys’ mom, but clearly has a favorite in Robbie. She hurries over to him as he stares down at his pancakes, accosting him with kisses and excessive touching.
Lenore: Well, hello my little ray of light! Look at those muscles; you are such a fit little guy. I bet you are just the biggest lady killer in school, aren’t you?
Robbie: Hi Aunt Lenore…
Mom: Come on guys, let’s eat. I’m starving. Robbie, you want to rip open a few of those presents [raising her eyebrows]?
Lenore: Open mine first, Robbie! You’re gonna love it!
Clearly scared stiff, Robbie agrees and peels off the wrapping paper from Aunt Lenore’s moderately sized, yet surprisingly heavy gift as well as the subsequent box.
Robbie: Oooooooh, thanks so much Aunt Lenore. It’s just what I always wanted, [pauses and holds his gift up the air with both hands to show the rest of the family, looking around at his brother and blatantly about to burst out laughing]… a jar of tap water.
Aunt Lenore: Come on Robbie, put away the cynicism for a just a moment here and listen closely for a moment. This is not a jar of tap water, but rather a very symbolic gift from which you will learn one of life’s most important lessons. Remember what I gave you last year for your birthday?
Robbie: Yeah, you gave me a stupid broken arrow. What am I supposed to do with a broken arrow? The dumb thing was snapped right in half and I got a splinter just from tying to put it up on the shelf in my room.
Aunt Lenore: You missed the point my boy, but I can read your aura and sense that you have sincere honesty and goodness in your being. The broken arrow is meant to remind you of yet another important lesson; the lesson that you should always remember to stand up against violence. You can stand up against aggression; you can stand up against the tyranny [standing up and getting mildly enraged]; and stand up against war!
Mom: Lenore, Robbie is only nine years old. Why can’t you just get the boy some Legos for once like a normal aunt? There will be plenty of time to spread your infinite hippie wisdom upon my children when they are teenagers. Clearly, they are just boys and boys like to play with guns and video games – not your weird ongoing allegories.
Aunt Lenore: You never could accept me for me, could you Lauren? You always loved that I was the screw-up and you were the perfect one, didn’t you? Well, one day Robbie will realize how much thought I put into my presents, even if they are weird.
Robbie [clearly sensing the tension]: Don’t get into this again, you guys. Aunt Lenore, it’s a really nice gift and I’m sure it really means a lot. I’ll make sure to take good care of it and in the event that I ever figure it what I’m supposed to do with it, I’ll be sure to do that.
Aunt Lenore: It’s a bottle of rain, Robbie. Think about it; if you keep it close, it will provide you a source of great wisdom.
Wayne: I know it’s for; it’s meant to keep in case of emergency for when your DeLorean runs out of plutonium.
Aunt Lenore: Shut it, Wayne. Robbie, take a guess
Robbie: Um, I don’t know. Is it to show that I can harness the power of Mother Nature or something?
Aunt Lenore: Wow, you are a smart one Robbie. Very close indeed, it is meant to show that you can live in HARMONY with Mother Nature.
Wayne: Shit is mind blowing, maaaaaaaaan.
Robbie [laughing hard]: Turns my whole world around.
3 Responses
I thought this song was made famous by Phil Lesh
Love it, this is great!
The only flub, I think, is the back to the future reference. Robbie was born in ’43, so this scene would have taken place in 52, way before BTTF.
Oh yeah, good point. I guess the Woodstock part is kinda shot too. Been watching way too much Lost.