No, No ‘Power Rangers’ (FILM REVIEW)

[rating=3.00]

After a brief preamble that takes place 65 million years in the past and features both dinosaurs and aliens, Power Rangers opens with that stale cow masturbation joke. You know the one. “It took some time, but I got her milked.” “That’s not a her.” From there, it descends—boldly—into a sort of loose remake of The Breakfast Club, wherein a group of outcasts forge an unlikely bond and learn that maybe they’re not so different from each other after all, all of which is packaged as the single longest, wildest, and weirdest commercial for Krispy Kreme donuts ever conceived. (If you need a moment to unpack that, I don’t blame you. Take all the time you need—and do try not to think about the juxtaposition of implied cow semen and the trademarked Kreme. Down that road lies only pain, and it’s best not to consider it.)

Certainly, product placement isn’t exactly a new phenomenon in the world of movies—especially the big budget blockbuster. But Krispy Kreme’s role in Power Rangers is far from miniscule; the movie’s MacGuffin—a magical crystal being sought by the film’s villain, Rita Repulsa (Elizabeth Banks)—lays buried beneath the donut chain in the town of Angel Grove, and no small amount of effort is spent reminding us of this fact. There’s even a scene where—no bullshit—Rita Repulsa sensuously eats a donut while her horde of monsters lays waste to the town around her.

Both that and the opening cow masturbation joke tells you just about all you need to know regarding this reboot of the popular, cheesy superhero brand. It’s a ham-fisted cash grab that walks the tightrope between fan pandering and marketing. There’s enough here to please fans of the series on a superficial level—including an appearance of the classic theme song that you by now know whether you want to or not—and plenty of trademarked Power Rangers action.

That action though comes a bit too little and a lot too late. While the basic premise of human controlled robots fighting vicious monsters remains intact, it comes in a short burst following about 100 minutes of contrived teenage melodrama, which finds our five titular heroes having to dig deep to learn about themselves and each other, thereby gaining the power of friendship or whatever, before they can “morph” and defeat evil.

It’s a long slog before then, one involving dying mothers, bullies, broken friendships, and just plain being misunderstood. All of which is fine in and of itself, but here it’s presented in the most surface level, superficial manner possible. Never does it feel as though it’s adding anything to the characters or their struggles to become the heroes they’re destined to be. Instead, it feels like prepackaged slop meant for mass consumption, without any identity and existing solely for the purpose if its own brand.

If there are any saving graces, it’s in the appearances of both Banks and Bryan Cranston, who plays the disembodied Zordon, leader of the Power Rangers and giant face in the wall. This represents a homecoming of sorts for Cranston, who started his career voicing many of the monsters in the original series. Both bring considerable talent and weight to the endeavor and their time on the screen is never wasted.

Banks, especially, steals the show. Power Rangers livens up impressively whenever Rita is on the stage and the actress looks like she’s having the time of her goddamn life. She chews up the scenery and spits it back out as a weapon, spewing bullets of pure joy at an otherwise lifeless and dull exercise of nostalgia mining.

Who really suffers are the kids. The five young stars—Dacre Montgomery (Safe Neighborhood and the upcoming second season of Stranger Things), Naomi Scott (The 33), R.J. Cyler (Me and Earl and the Dying Girl), Ludi Lin (Marco Polo), popstress Becky G. (Empire)—do the best they can with the tripe their given and honestly make a solid enough team. With a decent script, I’ve no doubt these five could succeed at bringing Power Rangers a level of complexity that franchise probably deserves.

Instead they’re given drivel, a script that can’t commit to being Power Rangers and instead relies on well-trod tropes of origins and unwilling superheroes. We’ve all sat through enough Marvel films to get the point, and you’d think that would mean something. But no. We’re forced to endure scene after scene of their trying and failing to live up to their potential, and by the time they finally do become Power Rangers, your ass is numb and you’re just ready for the experience to be over with.

With any luck, they’ll figure out their footing for the inevitable sequel—don’t forget to watch the credits guys!—and remember that, above all else, Power Rangers is supposed to be fun. That’s something that was sorely forgotten this time around. No, this is a film that exists solely to sell. Buy the toys, buy the shirts, and for god’s sake, don’t forget to buy some Krispy Kreme donuts! To a certain extent, that’s well within the Power Rangers wheelhouse—what’s a popular kid’s show without the billions of dollars in toys to back it up?—but this, as it exists here, is unacceptable.

Power Rangers is now playing in theaters everywhere.