(SPOILERS AHEAD, so proceed with caution, South Park fans!)
Season 17, Episode Nine: “Titties and Dragons”
Written and Directed by: Trey Parker
So here we are: the final installment of the Console Wars trilogy. Judging from the reactions I’ve read in the comments section, in other reviews, and even on my Facebook feed, this storyline has been a “love it, hate it” ordeal. On one hand, it’s kind of a shame to spend 30% of an entire season on one plot — the Game of Thrones-styled banter and all the Princess Kenny stuff has really felt like filler; condensing this down to two episodes probably would’ve helped the flow. On the other hand, these episodes have been home to some of this rocky season’s biggest laughs.
Either way, I’m glad to see this story resolved — and luckily, it went out on a high note. We finally see the dreaded Black Friday carnage; we get a few more hearty weiner jokes (pun intended), and we get some of Trey Parker’s reliably sharp satire on consumerism and corporate greed. When people around the country are literally beating the shit out of each other to get their coveted 50% off Blu-Ray players, you can either choke down some Zoloft or laugh at the sheer absurdity.
Or maybe both.
Quick Breakdown
We start out in the “Princess Kenny” anime, with the Japanese Sony executives talking about Black Friday. Princess Kenny enters the room, speaks Japanese (or what I assume is Japanese), and eventually parachutes onto a ship to stop a shipment of PS4s from reaching their Black Friday destination.
Meanwhile, Black Friday crowds are getting ridiculously long. “They’re cold, they’re starving, and there’s already been a lot of bloodshed over these holiday deals,” says the news station’s field reporter, who interviews a local man who literally turned to cannibalism in the name of savings — by eating his own son. (Hey, they drew straws!)
Stan and company (Team PS4) strategize about where to go in the mall, plotting out how to overtake a crucial battleground: the Red Robin. Cartman and Kyle’s crew (the X-Boxers) show up, finally admitting defeat and asking to join forces in the pursuit of console glory. This, of course, is a ruse: Kyle thinks of a brilliant plan (renting out the Red Robin for a fake wedding party), and Cartman plans to lock Stan’s crew inside the restaurant.
And here we hit a dead stretch: The random old man with the garden spills the beans of Cartman’s plot to back-stab Stan; Cartman then confesses the truth, then screws Stan over by getting him grounded (telling Sharon that he defecated in the old man’s yard). Kyle shows up to clear the air with Stan, but the latter feels betrayed, saying he’ll never play Call of Duty with him again. (That was roughly as much fun to type as it was to watch.)
But things pick up once Black Friday FINALLY arrives.
Back at the mall, Randy tells his fellow security guards to stay strong against the adversity. (When one guy can’t take the pressure and tries to run away, Randy shoots him with a bow and arrow.) Meanwhile, Black Friday Master George R. R. Martin cuts the ceremonial red ribbon — or at least he’s supposed to. (“But first,” he says, “I’d like to share with you a few words about my weiner,” leading to an epic poem about his genitalia.)
At the Red Robin, Cartman leads a Black Friday toast, secretly plotting his devious scheme. But Kyle shows up with plans of reverse-reverse-reverse sabotage (or something). “I let my friend get grounded,” he says, “but today I will get him a Playstation.” With the battle-lines grayer than ever, Bill Gates shows up, and so does the Japanese Sony exec. And then Stan, who tells the truth: The real war, he says, is between Sony and Microsoft — not the innocent consumers. It’s a corporate thing. So Gates and Sony guy engage in a bloody battle to the death, with Gates reigning supreme. “It’s over,” he says. “X-Box wins!”
But nobody wins in this scenario. When Martin won’t stop reading his epic weiner poem, he gets stabbed to death, leading to the inevitable riot. People start murdering each other (one lady hits a woman in the head with a baseball bat), and in a reliably brilliant nod to reality, Parker blends the animated chaos with actual Black Friday news footage. (Besides a few decapitated heads, the brutality is awfully similar.)
Gates tells the kids to go claim their X-Boxes, so they reluctantly do, strolling through the bloody mall carnage. Back at home, they finally get the chance to play, noticing the marginal improvements of the console — but they’re clearly depressed and disillusioned by the Black Friday ordeal, so they go play outside instead. “All we need to play are the simplest things,” Cartman says, in a moment of clarity.
But this wouldn’t be South Park without some satire to balance the sweetness. So we cut to an ad for the new South Park Console Wars video game, out soon in a greedy, manipulative chain store near you. Who knows — maybe if you wait in line for a week and assault your first cousin, you can get 60% off next Turkey Day.
Rating
A-
Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night…
Red Robin Wedding…get it? Got it.
In a nod to last week’s hilarious Martin moment, the opening credits are replaced with the epic Weiner chant
Cannibal guy sings incredible jingle about eating his child and the Blu-Ray player
Parker’s horribly offensive Japanese voice impression remains the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
Martin and Butters are riding on horseback to Colorado…(because horses have huge penises)
“Now if you’ll excuse me, my lady, I need to take a shit.” — Cartman
