Three Grown Men

The 3GM View on Jack White and ICP Tackling Mozart’s Ode to Tossing Salads

Yesterday, the blogosphere was shocked when the news broke that Jack White had teamed with Insane Clown Posse to collaborate on a new single which puts a modern spin on a song composed by Mozart. We asked HT’s writing collective Three Grown Men to weigh in on the track…

Kevin Smallwood

This combo makes perfect sense. If there is anyone on this planet that gives less of a shit about what you think then Jack White, it’s the Insane Clown Posse. Once you get past the third grade level lyrics, you might find that this is groundbreaking work.

First of all, the song is about Mozart getting his asshole licked. Now, whether the great musical genius of the 18th Century was the happy recipient of a regular rump trumpet is beside the point. This is new material. Scholars will now investigate this conjecture the same way that they tried to figure out if William Shakespeare smoked pot.

Secondly, Jack White is dropping beats. And not only is he dropping beats, he’s doing it all over Mozart’s public domain. Does anyone else realize how dangerous that is? Jack White is going to be the DJ Danger Mouse of the Van’s, Brahms’ and Bach’s.

READ ON for more of 3GM’s take on this controversial track…

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3GM: Letters From Equifunk – Saturday

HT’s Three Grown Men writing collective attended the Equifunk festival on August 19 and 20 at Eastern Pennsylvania’s Camp Equinunk and have filed some letters describing this one-of-a-kind event. To follow up on Kevin Smallwood’s thoughts posted yesterday, here are the recaps from Conor Kelley and Jonathan Kosakow…

Dear Reality,

I’ve been at Camp Equifunk for almost a day now and I’m having a really swell time! The kids are treating me nice and I’m making tons of friends. We had swim lessons all day and it was really neat. The lake is super and…I…

Actually listen up Reality, I’m gonna cut the shit. I don’t miss you at all. You told me to write you while I was away so here it is, and I’m going to say some things that need to be said. I walked through the Equifunk camp gates 18 hours ago and I feel like I’ve forgotten every lie you’ve ever told me. I just went down a 30-foot water slide backwards with a beer in my hand. You ever do anything like that, Reality? God, you’re so lame bro.

[Photo by Dino Perrucci]

I woke up today to the sounds of my friends sitting around, laughing about the night before. Do you have any idea how refreshing that is? You always wake me up with a face-slapping alarm clock. Thirty lazy minutes and 40 yards later we were poolside, and about to experience the most adrenaline-fueled, carefree hours I’ve had since Manorlu Swim Club in the summer of ‘97. I’m so glad no one invited you, Reality. You probably would have been telling people to slow down and not to swim for a half hour after eating, nerd. The BBQ was hot, the beer was flowing, and the beach balls were being inflated to the point of passing out. It was the best party I’ve ever seen, and the bands hadn’t even taken the stage.

READ ON for more Letters From Equifunk…

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3GM: Letters From Equifunk – Friday

HT’s Three Grown Men writing collective attended the Equifunk festival on August 19 and 20 at Eastern Pennsylvania’s Camps Equinunk and Blue Ridge and have filed a pair of letters describing this one-of-a-kind event. Here’s the first of the missives, penned by 3GM’s Kevin Smallwood…

Dear Diary,

Leaving from Virginia six and a half rain-soaked hours earlier, I arrived at Camp Equinunk during sunset on Friday evening. Now, I’ve seen Friday the 13th a few times, so spending a weekend at a camp that is nestled on a big beautiful lake made this festival one of the more frighteningly beautiful music experiences I’ve ever had.

First of all, there was an army of golf carts that carried everyone’s gear from the car to their respective sleeping arrangements.  Considering the mud, I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to keep a pair of $5 tennis shoes clean. On the cart ride to our bunk we passed the main stage, an Olympic size pool with a 30-foot water slide, girls bunks…and more girls bunks.

As I walked into our cabin I was greeted with three bottles of liquor and a note on the floor that read “Welcome.” I thought I might be special, but it turns out that anyone staying in a cabin was greeted with the same warmth any 20-something could appreciate.

READ ON for more of 3GM’s Letter From Equifunk…

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Ain’t It Funky Now: Equifunk 2011 Band Breakdown

With Equifunk 2011 approaching this weekend, we wanted to give the lucky few who are attending our breakdown of what to expect from each act.

Band Name: Karl Denson’s Tiny Universe

Why they’re funky: Funk Saxophone. Read that again: Funk. Saxophone. Over the past 20+ years KDTU has built a funk empire. The six-man crew has have served as the torch bearers between the afromatic glory days of late ’70s funk into the present day booty revival. They are a contemporary classic of polished soul-funk and they’ve been known to blow the mothasuckin roof off the sucka.

What to expect: Being that there will be so many funk bosses around, expect these guys to host the most sit-ins. Also, expect to sweat in a profuse manner.

READ ON for more bands to check out at Equifunk…

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Equifunk: The Birth of an Anti-Festival

Counterculture has always fed off of community. It’s the reason why nine-year-olds in California can attempt surfing maneuvers on skateboards and unwittingly start a revolution. A group of people that somehow understands each other amidst the commotion of survival is a rare and powerful thing.

Music is especially responsive to a certain community’s energy. A “scene” develops and musicians are challenged. What you may not know is, a scene is developing among the Pocono Mountains of northeastern PA at a gathering called Equifunk, but this time the musicians won’t be the ones that benefit. This scene is for us, the listeners, and it may just change how we view music festivals.

The community I’m talking about is a summer camp, of all places. Equifunk 2011 will be held August 19-20 on the grounds of Camp Equinunk, and is likely the most intimate musical weekend any fan could dream up. The organizers – who are all former Equinunk campers – have managed to create an all-inclusive weekend of amazing talent, while still capping ticket sales at less than 600. That’s 0.6% of Bonnaroo’s average annual attendance.

READ ON for more about Equifunk…

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3GM: SXSW – A Reflection

Now that we’re back and fully recovered from the largest music convention in the country, its time to reflect on exactly what happened to Three Grown Men during their first assignment on the road at SXSW Music in Austin.

Kevin Smallwood

When we decided to do SXSW, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I knew there would be a lot of skinny jeans and flannel -which is not exactly my scene – but most of my apprehension was due to the fact that I didn’t know 97% of the 2,000 bands.

With a cumulative sleep total of 17 hours in over four days, I can honestly say that SXSW is by and far the best music “festival” in the country. First of all the venue is actually the city of Austin. I have never been anywhere where I’ve literally been…everywhere. Indoor venues, outdoor venues, parks, lakes, rivers, monuments, crosswalks; if there was a free space and an open ear, someone was bound to be playing music there.  Overall I’d say we covered about 5 miles per day – and we rarely went to the same place twice.

I can’t say for sure how many bands we saw, but I know which ones gave me that “oh wow” feeling. You know the one – it’s that moment where your sense of hearing is so profoundly pleasured by something new that it fires off synapses that would otherwise lay dormant in the comfort of your musical bubble.

READ ON from Three Grown Men on their SXSW experience…

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3GM: SXSW Day 4 – No Regrets

If the average music festival is a 26.2 mile marathon, then SXSW is a 140-mile Iron Man challenge. Waking up on day four, our skin was burnt, our ankles were swollen, and our ears were bleeding. But just when it seemed like all hope was lost and we’d spend the day sleeping – one brave, grown-ass man poured a red bull into his coffee, gave a stern look across the kitchen table and said the following words:

“…Tighten. The Fuck. Up.”

And just like that we were off for the final day of SXSW.

[Kanye and friends took over SXSW 2011 with a late night concert]

Our first stop was the MOG party for TV on the Radio and Big Boi. TV’s set at Mohawk was basically the same thing we saw of their set the day before at Stubbs. But to see them in a venue like the open-air, multi-level, very limited capacity Mohawk added a great deal of excitement. The energy was fluid throughout the venue, and the band’s huge sound was even more encapsulated than usual.

[Big Boi at The Mohawk]

There was about an hour break between TV on the Radio and Big Boi, and Yuck played the indoor stage at Mohawk. Despite their hype, we decided to hold our place to see Daddy Fat Sax in action. When he came on, he and MC Black Owned C-Bone led the excited crowd in a splattering of old school Outkast tracks and newer stuff from his own solo recordings. As the late afternoon sun started to fade, the onstage dance party kept energy and spirits high.

READ ON for more on Day 4 at SXSW from Three Grown Men…

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3GM: SXSW Day 3 – Beats, Heat and Street Meat

Nobody said it was going to be easy. The sun alone sucks energy out of you, not to mention the combination of constant walking and our search for seven different kinds of rail tequila (side note: we’ve only found three).

[Crowd surfing at MSTRKRFT]

At this point we’re on auto pilot. We’re drones, zombies. The main things that keep us going are Red Bull and disco bass lines. But we love it. There is great music on every corner and everything we discover is something we wouldn’t have seen otherwise. It’s a freak show, a constant party, and we have no idea if the end is in sight. We could do this forever.

READ ON to check out how we’re doing on our scavenger hunt and the rest of what we saw yesterday…

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